I smile. I just do. But, sometimes that means pressure, too.
Last night I was out at dinner at a restaurant I frequent. I was with one friend, who was occupied chatting, while we waited on others, to celebrate good old fashioned L-O-V-E. While I was sitting waiting, the manager, who I know for several years now, came over to say hello and said, “you are always smiling.” I laughed and said, “yea, pretty much”. Then we both laughed. It is because I am genuinely happy. Except when I am not. I am laughing as I write that, because nobody can be happy always and I am certainly no exception, but I am a really happy, positive person and I realized recently, that comes with pressure, too.
I was just discussing this with a friend (H.E) who had seen me through my difficult post op depression http://tinyurl.com/6cte9fk, without her even knowing how critical she had been. She said, it was good to see that I was human because she thought I never got unhappy and through all the last four years of medical annoyances and business woes, I managed to smile and laugh. Well, yea, I said. Until I don’t. What I noticed is that some people in my life here in Boulder were having a hard time with my being unhappy and not feeling very social, which is unusual. Upon digging deeper, I learned a few things I had never known. I never gave being smiley and happy a second thought. It’s just who I am. Apparently, it’s a big deal! Who knew? Friends said they counted on my being there, status quo, smiling, laughing, keep on keepin’ on , if you will. When I suddenly was no longer in the social scene, after my store closed, it seems that without my knowledge, that had an impact on others. I was just trying to save money. Some took it personally. I felt the pressure when they would comment about my absence or if I declined an invitation and I was met with disappointment. Then when I got sick and really came undone temporarily, this rattled folks. First, once again, I am overwhelmed by the quality of relationships I have been fortunate to cultivate. Far beyond drinking buddies, I am truly blessed with remarkable people in my life, here and far away. I was also, reminded that it is hard for others to look at something so uncomfortable and not know what to do to help, or feel fear because it hits close to home, or any number of other things that come up for people. Again, I felt pressure to be okay so the people I loved would be okay. That is simply my nature.
I knew that people expected me to smile a lot, well, because I just do. A doctor of mine pointed it out. I didn’t think about it beyond that. I did not know, however, that there were people in my world that were able to use my energy when I was a shiny, happy person, to help feel better in their own struggle, somehow. This is a very humbling realization. Clearly, it is not my responsibility, but I will say that when I am in my normal state of being, I am happy to contribute in that way, if I am able. I love, fiercely, the people that I care about and if that is my role, I happily accept it. I will say though, I am human. I do eventually succumb to stress and the challenges life throws repeatedly in this direction and when I do, I may not smile for a little and I may not laugh so loud it embarrasses my kids, as usual, but I can assure you if you give me a chance to recharge and regroup, I will be back, each time better than before. THAT is the realization I came to. I always learn something about myself, grow in some way, or just become even more grateful for the blessings in my life after each time I have stumbled, got sick, or faced a horrible demon like PTSD.
So, yea, I do pretty much smile all the time. Until I don’t. I no longer feel the pressure because I know it is always temporary and I always seem to smile even wider on the other side.
Keep smiling……
